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Portal 2
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Portal 1 Music
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TF2 Music
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BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
Listens:
771343
Who:
GLaDOS
Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me.
Listens:
653052
Who:
Cave Johnson
SPAAACCCCCE!
Listens:
587169
Who:
Core 1
Dad! I'm in space! [low-pitched 'space' voice] I'm proud of you, son. [normal voice] Dad, are you space? [low-pitched 'space' voice] Yes. Now we are a family again.
Listens:
461932
Who:
Core 1
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Listens:
375438
Who:
Core 1
[beep] Sarcasm Self Test complete. [beep]
Listens:
313583
Who:
Announcer
What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Listens:
214185
Who:
Core 1
Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
Listens:
191962
Who:
Wheatley
Like the potato!
Listens:
186963
Who:
Defective Turret
A, A, A, A, A, A. [NNNT!] No. A, A, A, A, A, B. [NNNT!] Hold on, I've done both of these. Skip ahead. A, B, C... D, G, H.[DING!]
Listens:
174603
Who:
Wheatley
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Listens:
153488
Who:
Cave Johnson
[clap clap clap]
Listens:
135473
Who:
GLaDOS
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Listens:
126100
Who:
Cave Johnson
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-action and adventure-dunna-dunna-na-dunna-na-playing by our own rules-nanana-hanging by our fingers from a mountain-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...
Listens:
113739
Who:
Core 2
Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time. Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Chell.
Listens:
110161
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
Listens:
109675
Who:
Wheatley
BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD
Listens:
106448
Who:
Wheatley
Space.
Listens:
103198
Who:
Core 1
Hey, nice potato!
Listens:
101033
Who:
Defective Turret
Lawl
Listens:
89332
Who:
Turret
You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.
Listens:
86950
Who:
GLaDOS
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One. [SMOOTH JAZZ]
Listens:
80801
Who:
Announcer
Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Listens:
77508
Who:
GLaDOS
Nonononononono!
Listens:
73598
Who:
GLaDOS
No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Listens:
73468
Who:
GLaDOS
So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good! The man who owns the lasagna is furious!
Listens:
70401
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm different...
Listens:
69785
Who:
Turret
Are you still there?
Listens:
58390
Who:
Turret
Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
Listens:
55589
Who:
GLaDOS
Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your... generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.
Listens:
54232
Who:
GLaDOS
SPAAACE!
Listens:
51765
Who:
Core 1
This next test... [boom!] ..is... [BOOM!] dangerous. I'll be right back.
Listens:
50910
Who:
GLaDOS
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Listens:
50201
Who:
Cave Johnson
It's been a long time. How have you been?
Listens:
47951
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and go shopping.'
Listens:
46863
Who:
GLaDOS
DANCING is NOT SCIENCE!
Listens:
46589
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... It's you.
Listens:
46162
Who:
GLaDOS
Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
Listens:
44582
Who:
Turret
You really are doing great... Chell.
Listens:
43172
Who:
GLaDOS
[laugh]
Listens:
41206
Who:
Cave Johnson
But I'm huge! [laugh turning to maniacal laugh]
Listens:
39019
Who:
Wheatley
Yeah, take the lemons...
Listens:
38371
Who:
GLaDOS
Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
Listens:
38028
Who:
GLaDOS
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises--[train horn]--
Listens:
35879
Who:
GLaDOS
Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Listens:
35662
Who:
Core 1
Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.
Listens:
35013
Who:
GLaDOS
Get mad!
Listens:
34739
Who:
Turret
*cough* PRESS THE BUTTON.
Listens:
34659
Who:
Wheatley
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
Listens:
33429
Who:
Cave Johnson
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...
Listens:
32663
Who:
GLaDOS
Why do I hate you so much? You ever wonder that? I'm brilliant. I’m not bragging. It's an objective fact. I'm the most massive collection of wisdom that’s ever existed. And I hate you. It can't be for no reason. You must deserve it.
Listens:
32341
Who:
GLaDOS
Dammit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! In it! We get it!
Listens:
31930
Who:
Core 2
He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
Listens:
29991
Who:
GLaDOS
If at first you don't succeed, fail 5 more times.
Listens:
29828
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
Listens:
29391
Who:
GLaDOS
Hello? Friend.
Listens:
29267
Who:
Turret
Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately.
Listens:
29038
Who:
Announcer
I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]
Listens:
28920
Who:
GLaDOS
Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
Listens:
28643
Who:
Announcer
Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!
Listens:
28519
Who:
Wheatley
You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Listens:
27666
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh... Mr. Johnson...
Listens:
27095
Who:
Caroline
If you had underwear? And a butt? I would pull your underwear... right up your butt.
Listens:
26722
Who:
Core 2
Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Listens:
26080
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye Caroline!
Listens:
25828
Who:
Caroline
Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Listens:
25573
Who:
Core 1
Did you put a virus in them? It's not going to work either. I've got a firewall, mate. Literally, actually, now that I look around. There appears to be literally a wall of fire around this place. Alarming. To say the least.
Listens:
24429
Who:
Wheatley
I don't blame you
Listens:
24344
Who:
Turret
Hey! Moron!
Listens:
24339
Who:
GLaDOS
Space? SPACE!
Listens:
24213
Who:
Core 1
'Goodbye, Caroline.'
Listens:
24116
Who:
Caroline
I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired over. So I came up a with BETTER way.
Listens:
23867
Who:
GLaDOS
Glorious freedom!
Listens:
23558
Who:
Turret
Am I being too vague? I despise you. I loathe you. You arrogant, smugly quiet, awful jumpsuited monster of a woman. You and your little potato friend. This place would have been a triumph if it wasn't for you!
Listens:
22465
Who:
Wheatley
[BUZZER NOISE]
Listens:
22419
Who:
Wheatley
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
Listens:
22363
Who:
Cave Johnson
Caroline deleted.
Listens:
22275
Who:
Announcer
You are the farthest ever in space. Why me, space? Because you are the best. I'm the best at space? Yes.
Listens:
21935
Who:
Core 1
Nobody is going to space, mate!
Listens:
21854
Who:
Wheatley
[clap clap]
Listens:
21839
Who:
GLaDOS
SPACE!
Listens:
21644
Who:
Wheatley
Don't make lemonade!
Listens:
21276
Who:
Turret
Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Listens:
20965
Who:
Core 1
I can't see a thing. What just happened? Better open fire! [click click click click] Dang!
Listens:
20884
Who:
Defective Turret
Warning. Reactor core is at critical temperature.
Listens:
20869
Who:
Announcer
Goodbye, Caroline.
Listens:
20677
Who:
GLaDOS
Um. 'TRUE'. I'll go 'true'.
Listens:
20428
Who:
Wheatley
I was getting SO lonely down here. It's good to finally hear someone else's voice. I'm kidding, of course. God, I hate you.
Listens:
20325
Who:
GLaDOS
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math.
Listens:
19979
Who:
GLaDOS
SHUT UP!
Listens:
19437
Who:
Wheatley
Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba! Space! Ba! Ba! Ba ba ba!
Listens:
19398
Who:
Core 1
You messed with the wrong turret!
Listens:
19376
Who:
Defective Turret
I don't want this!
Listens:
19366
Who:
Caroline
Still, it turns out they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [coughs] Let's all stay positive and do some science.
Listens:
19327
Who:
Cave Johnson
Warning: Core overheating. Nuclear meltdown imminent.
Listens:
19303
Who:
Announcer
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel.
Listens:
19177
Who:
Cave Johnson
They say the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff. Of robots. All of them robots. They say at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident. Nobody knows what they’re screaming about. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
Listens:
18892
Who:
Wheatley
Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Listens:
18858
Who:
Core 1
No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!
Listens:
18849
Who:
Caroline
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
Listens:
18848
Who:
Cave Johnson
00:00 / 00:00
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